Light relief

Was looking back across old issues of my ranting and was quite apparent that a very bleak and pessimistic pattern has crept in. Admittedly I lost my way for a bit but I’m far from in a depressant state now but after reading my blog to a mere philistine it would seem that I am. So to break a trend and provide some solace I’m going to mention something that made me cry tears of laughter recently…the Darwin Awards! I have always found these mildly amusing but today I was sent a link to this years memorable awards and I had a real belly laugh at these!


Picture is Lawn Chair Larry - see Darwin honorable mentions

Regret what you do, not what you don't do

I have blogged about this type of thing in the past but I find myself thinking about the same thing over and over again so here I am. Question; Am I an exceptionally unlucky person or is it fair to say that a bleak outlook on life can mean you only see the bad in things that happen?

This week I lost yet another person I was very close. It brought back lots of emotions I had put to the back of my mind and it led me to think I must be due some good luck soon. Ok, in comparison my problems could seem quite menial so I guess I could consider myself lucky. I’m fit, healthy and I earn a decent wage but I can’t help but think the world is spinning one way and I’m running in the opposite direction.

I don’t remember the feeling of waking up in the morning and thinking what a great day I have ahead of me and come the end of that day to lay in my bed and think I’ve really enjoyed myself today. Perhaps I have done that but it’s just that grief leaves a deeper scar in your emotions?

Happiness is a funny thing; can you ever really be happy? How do you know? I think it’s a hindsight thing, you never really feel happy at the time but you might look back on a particular period in your life and say ‘they were good days’. May be I’m going through it right now and with the benefit of hindsight I will realise this. If I look at all the ingredients of my life right now it should be but I cant help but think if only. If only I’d done that quicker, if only I’d phoned to say hi, if only I’d said sorry instead of walking away, if only I’d said I love you. With the benefit of this hindsight we should never hold back or try to suppress our real emotions or behaviour. Tomorrow can often be too late and this week has proved that to me.

Whore saw

So I haven’t blogged for a while as my head has been pretty clear and not too much has been bothering me. The odd subject cropped into my sometimes confused head but it’s been a rich run of good form for me.

I recently travelled to Poland – in particular the capital Warsaw. It’s an interesting place swamped in history, mostly quite horrific. With that in mind I was expecting the place to be cold, dark and quite miserable with the people equally so but I have to say I was pleasantly surprised at how westernised it was. On a couple of occasions I was taken aback by how forthcoming and friendly the local folk are. Unlike their western neighbours they are happy to talk to you in English and on more occasions than I care to remember they are very helpful. One guy we stopped in the street to ask if he could help find us a cab and he called a firm and ordered four for us, can you imagine if you did that in Germany or even England at that!

The city itself has admittedly been rebuilt after the war and doesn’t have the picturesque feel you get with some cities like Barcelona but on the other hand I never felt the constant paranoia I associate with Barcelona, the feeling you’re being watched so they can pounce just for the sake of a fake Rolex. I walked to the cash point which was down a dark alley and through the city at about 8.30pm and walked on my own to restaurant late one evening and never felt the need to clench my fist or put my wallet in my pants once.

The city has a real buzz, the pubs even the yokel traditional pubs attract some real characters who liven things up – some of which it has to be said do look a little like they have stepped out of a Rocky or terminator film but all the same very friendly. It has everything you need and amenity wise everything a young group of lads would need (yes and those places). The downside of the city is it is rife with prostitution, get in a cab after 12pm and every taxi driver will offer to take you to a ‘Bordello’ where you have ‘good time’ he would even offer you sex with his wife if they thought you’d pay. Most cab drivers are paid commission for taking you to these places and I doubt it’s a mandatory payment more like a game of hide the sausage or a quick battle with the pink Darth Vader. It’s a shame as it can spoil your enjoyment as you do feel a bit like you have stepped back in time but a simple no usually shut them up.

In short was a top weekend, was good to get together with some mates who I ant been out with for a while, it’s always a much different vibe when you go away, especially without the girlfriends everyone really lets themselves go. Got the holiday blues now so planning the next trip away with the team, thinking of trying Bratislava heard good things about it.

A silent tear

At the beginning of the week I said goodbye to my granddad for one final time at his funeral service. It was a miserable day, I woke up and the rain was crashing on my conservatory. I wasn’t all that bothered it was raining as no one can see your tears when it rains, I was more worried about what the day would bring and how I’d deal with it.

It was a humanist service, not your traditional do with hymns and readings from the bible. As far as these type of things go it was ok, I managed to keep my emotions to a minimum – rightly or wrongly.

My dad had asked me if I wanted to do a reading and reluctantly I agreed. He said Granddad would have liked me to read at his funeral but what I really think he meant was he’d like me to read something and so I did. I was lucky enough to come across a beautiful poem which was perfect, it summed up what I think Granddad would want me to say. Other than learning to use a washing machine it’s probably the single hardest thing I have had to do all year. I was worried I wouldn’t make it to the end of the poem all be it only three versus but I did. My voice wobbled the whole way through and I could only make a glance at the packed room just the once as I uttered the final verse. I’m glad I did it, I felt quite proud of myself but I hope that I don’t have to do something like that for a long while to come.

The poem I read.

A Silent Tear

Just close your eyes and you will see
All the memories that you have of me
Just sit and relax and you will find
I'm really still there inside your mind

Don’t cry for me now I'm gone
For I am in the land of song
There is no pain, there is no fear
So dry away that silent tear

Don’t think of me in the dark and cold
For here I am, no longer old
I'm in that place that’s filled with love
Known to you all, as "up above"

Only in the movies

What’s worse keeping your true feelings from someone or telling them how you really feel and running the risk of making a fool of yourself? Would you really feel better if you got it off your chest or would you worry that it could potentially spoil what you currently have. In the movies telling the truth always seems to work out better but in reality does it actually have the same ending?

The Mild Mannered Janitor

If Superman was real how do you think he would have coped with that burden? If you are constantly leading your life with this alter ego, this double life, would that not of stressed him out? I sometimes feel that in my job and certain aspects of my life society forces me to be someone I’m not. I find myself nodding in agreement to subjects which I actually feel strongly against. Doing work that I don’t think will work or add any value to what’s already been created. Just like Superman does this mean I have an alter ego? When I enter the door at work, or join my colleagues in the pub after work do I become Rob the mild mannered janitor? I wonder what would happen if I did everything by instinct rather than giving myself time to analyse a situation and behave with what is perceived as the correct thing to do or say? More to the point what actually stops me from doing and saying what I really want? I think it’s something that’s embedded into your brain almost like a microchip. It’s the part that tells the difference between right and wrong and those without it are either truly free or criminally insane. I’d like to cut it out of my brain, just for a day and see what happens.

Choose your attitude

Is there any truth in the notion that you choose your own attitude? I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and our fate is almost planned out for us. One of the variable aspects to our life according people who are paid to much money to advise you on these subjects say the attitude you take into a day is up to you. The way I interpret this thinking is like this: The alarm goes off at 6.30, you’ve looked outside and it lashing it down, already you know the conservatory would of leaked during the night leaving puddles on the laminate. You walk downstairs and the missus has come in late after a session on the sauce and walked dogshit all over the new carpet in the lounge. You make yourself some toast but there is none out so you have to defrost some, in the process you burn your finger on the element, on the face of it not that bad but you realise it will impair your wiping ability when taking a kind Charles the third. After cleaning up the shit, nursing your finger and throwing down some juice and partially burnt toast you leave for work knowing your gonna be late but the boss wanted you to be in on time as you have a 9am meeting. Now at this point do you a: drive like a maniac swear at every bit of slowing moving traffic setting yourself up for a day of hell, or b: say ok, I wouldn’t choose this circumstance of events but they have happened and I’ll just go about my day from here in a positive manner. For me it’s A every time but just recently I’ve tried to change my attitude towards this kind of thing and surprisingly I’m doing quite well. Stopped the pills and I’ll see how far this wave will take me.